


Omoi ga ieru hazu sa (I can be cured from this feeling)

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-21
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2019-05-09 18:16:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14721140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: “Say my name, Yuya.”“Kota...”“Again. Don’t stop.”





	Omoi ga ieru hazu sa (I can be cured from this feeling)

Yuya moaned beneath him.

Yabu kissed his neck, softly, while his hands caressed the younger’s hips, brushing his nails over them.

He went with his mouth down his sternum, without stopping, then he licked over his nipple, making him moan louder.

“ _Hikka.”_

Yabu froze for a split second.

He had heard that. Crystal clear.

He raised his eyes on Takaki and he saw him keeping his eyes still closed, moaning under his touch, slightly disappointed because he had stopped.

He started kissing him again, pretending he hadn't heard.

But he couldn’t stop his mind, he couldn’t uproot that thought, he couldn’t help but still hearing that name, pronounced by Yuya’s voice.

_Hikka. Hikka. Hikka._

Yabu knew, he always had.

When they had gotten together he had picked up the pieces of Takaki’s heart and had put them back together, trying like this to keep him close, to lead him to love him like he did.

And that name, said almost casually, instinctively, was the living proof of the fact he had miserably failed.

He brought a hand between his legs, mechanically starting to prep him, but he wasn’t really there right now.

After a while he climbed on top of him, thrusting inside, hard.

He had lost any kindness, he had lost any desire to be gentle, he had lost the will to be in that bed with him.

He kept still for a while, letting him get adjusted to his size, and meanwhile he brought a hand to his face, caressing it and watching him, trying to see in him any sign of involvement.

“Open your eyes, Yuuyan.” he asked, his voice firm, and when the younger did he felt like crying.

It wasn’t for him.

He desired him, he loved him, he would've given anything to be with him, but he couldn’t force his presence into the life of someone for whom he wasn’t worth much.

He felt anger taking over his mind and move to his body, so he started pushing inside of him, hard, deep, without knowing if he was driven by a desire to hurt him or make him belong to him.

“Say my name, Yuya.” he whispered, clawing his shoulder, sinking his nails there and feeling Yuya do the same to his back.

“Kota...” he said, his voice tired, feeble, mixed with his moans.

“Again. Don’t stop.” he replied, and he closed his eyes while he tried to listen to that name only, to relish the feeling of the younger’s deep voice saying it, the feeling of having him so close, of being inside of him.

To pretend with himself that right now Yuya was thinking only about him and no one else, that what he had said before had no meaning.

But he couldn’t.

Takaki kept moaning his name, and all of a sudden he grew tired of that lie. He brought a hand over his mouth, chocking his moans and his words.

“Shut up, now. I’m begging you, shut up.” he whispered in his ear, quickening his pace inside him and starting to stroke his cock.

When they both came he pulled out quickly, lying next to him and turning to face the wall, trying to cover himself wholly with the sheets, fighting that sudden feeling of coldness.

He felt the mattress shift, and then Yuya’s arms were around his waist, his chin over his shoulder.

“What is it, Yabu?” he asked, and Kota could hear the confusion in his voice.

He wished he could’ve thought Yuya was cruel. That all he did was to see him suffer, that he had fun messing with him, that he was so selfish to enjoy deceiving him.

Then maybe he could’ve hated him, and he was sure it would've made him feel better.

That he would've been able to ignore the instinct to love him, despite how much that very same love hurt.

“I wish you’d stop, Yuya.” he whispered, slowly turning toward him and loosening the hold the younger had on him.

“To do what?” he asked, sitting up properly and staring at him, lost.

“To think about Hikaru.” Yabu replied, and saying that name hurt even worse than had Takaki doing it.

The latter froze. His features were tense, and Kota saw him clench his fists, clawing at his palms.

“What does Hikaru have to do with anything?” he asked, trying to feign a little credible nonchalance.

Yabu chuckled bitterly, shaking his head.

“There’s no need to lie to me, Yuuyan. I know how you feel about Hikaru. I know you love him. I know you’ve told him and that he doesn’t love you back, I know how much you’ve suffered. I...” his voice shivered. He took a deep breath, then went on. “I know it, and I knew it when I’ve decided to try and being with you. I thought that in time you would've managed to forget him, that you could’ve overcome it, that my presence could’ve been enough to make you happy, for me to deserve at least a piece of that love that you’ve always reserved to him. And I was wrong.” he said, shrugging, surrendered.

Takaki got closer, his hands on Kota’s arms, holding him tight enough to hurt.

“I love you, Kota. I love you and I belong to you only, no one else. I’m with you, and that should be enough to convince you that between me and Hikaru…” the elder didn’t let him finish.

“Please, Yuya! You’ve been messing with me for months, without even realizing it, have at least the mercy to admit how you feel, now. You’ve never belonged to me. Your body may, I can steal a few kisses from you, a few caresses, some gestures of affection and pretend that they really count for something, but in the end I know it’s all I can get from you, that your heart will never be here, that...” he paused, briefly. “Not like I’d want it to be, at least.”

Takaki kept quiet, and Yabu realized he was close to tears.

He wished he could’ve been indifferent to it, but he knew himself too well, he knew his own reactions when it was about the younger, so he didn’t push him away when Yuya hugged him.

He held him back, he brushed his hair and started caressing him slowly when he felt his tears wetting his skin.

It was just a few minutes, then he loosened the hug and took his face in his hands, staring at him before kissing him.

“Yuya... it’s over.” he whispered, realizing that nothing could’ve matched the pain it gave him to say those words.

The younger’s eyes opened wide, he panicked and grabbed his arms again.

“Please, Kota, I’m begging you. Don’t leave me alone, _please_.” he said, hurriedly and confusedly, while the other read through the anxiety he was going through.

But his words didn’t reach him.

“You don’t want me. It’s not about me leaving you or not, it’s about not leaving you alone, because it scares you. You’re afraid of being rejected, of not having anyone by you side. Be it me or someone else, it doesn’t really matter.” he said, more straightforward than he had actually planned, but he had reached a point were nice words made no sense anymore.

Yuya bit his lip, loosening his grip on him and lowering his eyes.

“I can try, Kota.” he whispered. “I can try to love you the way you want. I can try to do it, because you’re not just someone. You’re the one who... s _aved_ me when Hikaru has rejected me. You’re the one who’s always been by my side, never asking for something in return. And I’ve lived for that certainty but... if you want, I can try harder. I’m willing to do anything. You don’t know how many times I’ve wished I could’ve loved you, never actually doing something about it, just hating myself because it didn’t come natural to me.” he looked back at him, resolved. “I can love you. But don’t leave me now, please.” he said again, distractedly drying up a tear running down his face.

Yabu sighed.

It wasn’t fair.

It wasn’t fair for Yuya to cry, it wasn’t fair for him to talk like that, it wasn’t fair that it hurt him so bad.

He looked at him, trying to tell himself that seeing him like this had no effect on him, but he couldn’t.

He closed his eyes, because he didn’t want to watch.

“You’d feel violated if someone were to call you an attempt, wouldn’t you Yuya?” he whispered, his voice hoarse and his eyes tired.

Takaki nodded briefly, and went back close to him.

Slowly, he wrapped his arms around him, resting his head on his shoulder.

“Tell me you’ll stay. Please.” he murmured, without answering to the elder’s question.

Yabu sighed.

He shouldn’t have asked.

Not right now, not while he hugged him, not while the room still smelled of sex, while their skins were pressed together, while he had his crying face burned in his mind.

Yabu loved Yuya, and he thought he loved him enough to do what was best for both of them, as hard as it could’ve been.

He was wrong. While he looked at him and his hand kept a few inches from his back, deciding whether to touch him or not, Kota realized he wasn’t going to be able to leave, that no humiliation was going to make him leave that room, not even the thought that he couldn’t have Yuya’s heart because it belonged to someone else.

“Promise me that you’ll stop thinking about Hikaru. Promise me that you’ll stop looking at him like that. Promise me that you’ll do your best to forget about him. Promise...” he bit his lip, and finally allowed himself to touch the younger. “Promise me that you’ll stop overlapping his face to mine every time we’re together, every time we have sex. That you won’t desire to be with him anymore, but that you’ll make yourself like the fact that you’re with me, because I’m the one by your side, not Hikaru.” he said, finally voicing all those thoughts that had been on his mind since he and Yuya had first gotten together.

Now that he had said that out loud he felt better, yet strangely empty.

Takaki didn’t reply straight away, and he was grateful for it.

The younger weighed the other’s words, he seemed to honestly think about it, about the fact that he actually could keep those promises.

And in the end, he nodded.

“I promise, Kota.” he said, then he sighed.

The elder nodded back and then laid on the bed, pulling him along and holding him tight against his body.

“I won’t leave. Not today. I can wait, I can let you try and love him. But I’m not going to wait forever, Yuya.” he stated, ending the argument.

They held each other tight, giving in to tiredness.

Yabu started caressing his body slowly, basking in that feeling of apparent calm.

He had lied, consciously.

He wasn’t going to leave today, just like he was never going to.

He would've kept trying to be loved, but he knew inside that as much as the other could try, a coerced love was never going to be like the real thing.

He would've kept being at Yuya’s side, settling for seeing him try, settling for those rare smiles, always hoping they could be sincere.

Settling for being an attempt.


End file.
